after party glow

currently I am basking in the vibes that still ripple in the room after a good party. I had fun, hope everyone had fun. took a bit of work to make it happen but this was something I needed this christmas.

this year i've been alone a lot, which makes this christmas party a very welcome cup of water walking through the desert.
I keep on repeating the fact that I was alone for 6 months of this year because I really did feel alone. I asked ho how'd it feel with me being gone for such a period of time and he said it was weird and I'd missed so much. I shall take away from my experience away to the fullest extent. no moment will be for granted. no friend will be for granted. for this I am grateful for my hardships and count each and every blessing in my life.

Happy holidays to you and yours.

friends

"you're only as good as the company you keep."

thankfully I have some pretty amazing people around me,
it's definitely no coincidence that they tend to stick around either.

what happened to family?

Makes me really wonder if its just how I've been raised or todays watered down term of the word family. or even if its just me that takes the word too close to heart. From what I see it's all gone down the drain. Sick of this closed mindedness in the wrong direction followed by retaliation in form of put downs. Honestly I have no idea what to do and it frustrates me.

I need a talk with my brother. any brother. sigh.

"close your mind, close your eyes, see with your heart"

thick as blood.

prepping up this week for the battle tomorrow and I got a good feeling about this, taking my sweet time and making sure I can put up a mean fight with earl tomorrow.
If he reads this then I'll punch him because he should be practicing, I haven't seen him in a long time and still owe him his birthday beaaats.

Afterschool today my dad called me while i was practicing and asked if i was going anywhere tonight, I said no and I'd be home after practice. First reaction to that question is, something must be up. At home I knew either; I'd done something wrong, they'd found out about something, or a big change was about to happen, either way it was going to be bad news.

Finally he says, I need to talk to you for a bit. Of course it's just the two of us at home, and we sit at the dinner table. By now I'm expecting the worst.

He started with my grades(which I agreed with him were below par), and he also let me get my input in. He went on with the family and he even got into a bit of how his parents were when he told them he was leaving Vietnam.

The whole formality of this was completely foreign to me. Usually when we talk about my grades I feel like shit, and it ends with both of us frustrated.

My mom's way of telling me, is with yelling, and hurtful comments and then she tops it off with in a nutshell "Sorry, I'll stop caring from now on"(which shakes me up no matter how many times she says it, but has never gone through with it, luckily)

I even told her once, why can't she for once just sit me down for once and talk to me like a human, and that i'm not a dog. (that of course was followed by s'more hurtful material of hers)

Instead this evening I left the table feeling more love for my parents, though it was my father than sat me down and talked to me. Whatever he did I appreciate it more than I could ever express, and it made me realize how understanding he actually is.

Over the hill

The weekend of electric relaxation worked. I feel ready to take on the week, with a fresh mind and priorities straight.
i'm gonna miss terence, i can't believe it has to work out this way, t.r.o.y kiddo.

Home this week has been hell for me, my parents recently have been making it hard for reasons only they know and not understanding why i do the things i do. Usually they're accepting but its been unbelievable. And i have yet to tell them about the love of my life :p

The idea of summer is getting worked up. Schemes and plans i got for summer :) greato.

I'm off to bed, as a last note; I love her lots and I hope she never forgets that.

t'was the night before christmas

eff i'm feeling pretty heavy right now. i'm full from food but thats not whats weighing me down. it's the fam... my mom had a long talk with my older brother about the patterns in his life and how this one is the same. she said i was old enough to hear this. she also said after that i have to deal with way more shit than he did.... and that i got the shorter end of the stick.

listening to it, every word i already knew but i refused to bring it to light, now it being unwrapped and placed before me. and it hurts,

he took it ok, and he seemed appreciative, which is i guess one upside to it.

because i can't do anything about it, he's impossible. and all i get is a sad feeling.
i want to go up to him, and help, give him a better future, make him passionate about something, give him the strength to give back, gurantee him happiness, make him quit his bad habits, make him the best person he can be, give him the perfect life, tell him theres more to life than this. but he's in another world. i don't even know how to communicate to the other side and that frustrates me to tears.

merry christmas everyone. best wishes to you and yours.